It has been said that it is really helpful to write a letter to your eating disorder. Because to most people—ED is a completely different person who is in complete control of the victim. So this is my attempt.
I hate you. I really freaking hate you. You slithered into my life so deceptively. You made me believe that you were the answer to finding my happiness and that you were the answer to making all of my foreign feelings that were dangerous go away. You made me believe that you were going to bring me all this damn glory—all this praise, and attention. Positive attention. People would be focusing on me because I was “taking care” of my body by losing weight. I wasn’t letting my body get out of control. You made me believe that my body deserved to be punished for all of my unforgivable sins. You made me believe that my body betrayed me when it reacted normally to a touch that no child should have to feel. You gave me all these damn reasons that my body didn’t deserve to be treated with respect. You told me LIES…you made me lie when I didn’t want to. Oh, how desperately I wanted to scream it out to the world…that I was being held captive by YOU. I wanted to tell people that I was overtaken–but you had me in chains and had tape overy my mouth. When you would let me tell my friends and other people about you—you filtered every word that came out of my mouth. The words were not mine…they were yours….and despite the fact that I desperately wanted my words to somhow comeout with yours…they never did. You words were so coniving and untrue.
“I have this problem. I do it because of this. But I have it under control–it’s not a big deal at all. ”
I knew when those words came out of my mouth that it was a bunch of bull. ED, I hate you. I hate what you did to my body…I hate all the things you made me do. I hated your voice in my head that lead me to believe that all food was poison. I hate the fear you have instilled in me to gain a pound. I hate that you made me so vain.
If you were real…I would kill you—with one finger. That VERY SAME FINGER THAT YOU USED to MAKE ME STICK DOWN MY THROAT after every meal. I would kill you by putting 60 laxatives secretly in your drink—-the same ones you used to make me take when I had a voice lesson the next day.
I hate you for all the things you took away from me. You took from me some of the best relationships I have ever had—in my family, my friends….you took from me my time and my focus in school…you took from me my health that luckily I have restored….you took away my music….my voice…my precious voice….you took away everything that made me identifiable as the me I am today. But guess what ED!! I got all those things back—-you know why??? Because I finally had the courage to take the upper hand! I had the courage to kick you around in my head when I felt that you had to much control! I had the courage to start talking with MY WORDS that were TRUTH—not a bunch of bullshit lies. …..lies that were never true.
I hate the way you mad me feel inside…Numb….I hate that you made me believe that I Needed you…I didn’t need anything about you. I can’t believe I ever invited you into my life…and then followed you like some religion. I can’t believe how weak I must have been to let you take over my head and put a blindfold on me.
But I have ripped that blind fold off my eyes and can see clearly now….Now I can see how damn ugly you are. I can see how much you have beat me down and how much you have hurt me. I”m not going to let you linger around in my head. Im kicking you the hell out. I don’t want to put up with you anymore…and I want absoutely nothing to do with you. Don’t you dare come back…lurking around…and you WILL listen when I scream at you to leave. You and I—we are DONE!!!
I hate you and will always hate you. I will never forgive you for what you have done to me….for all the things you did to break me down…make me feel like shit about myself and make me feel like you were the only hope I had. You are such a low life, discusting pig…how I ever found any pleasure or desire to follow and believe in you, is beyond my comprehension. How can you be so insensitive? How can you possess others thoughts—with out one ounce of guilt?? How could you do that to me? And my God, how did I believe you??? Well I’m done. I will never trust you again. I know all of your games–I know all of your tricks…and I refuse to play them ever again. Go rot in hell.
with hatred and anger,