Standing in the Fire of Life

A Letter To ED October 21, 2010

Filed under: Getting Help,Helping Others,Joy,Misunderstanding,Reflection — feelingthenhealing @ 4:32 am

It has been said that it is really helpful to write a letter to your eating disorder. Because to most people—ED is a completely different person who is in complete control of the victim. So this is my attempt.

Dear ED,

I hate you. I really freaking hate you. You slithered into my life so deceptively. You made me believe that you were the answer to finding my happiness and that you were the answer to making all of my foreign feelings that were dangerous go away. You made me believe that you were going to bring me all this damn glory—all this praise, and attention. Positive attention. People would be focusing on me because I was “taking care” of my body by losing weight. I wasn’t letting my body get out of control. You made me believe that my body deserved to be punished for all of my unforgivable sins. You made me believe that my body betrayed me when it reacted normally to a touch that no child should have to feel. You gave me all these damn reasons that my body didn’t deserve to be treated with respect. You told me LIES…you made me lie when I didn’t want to. Oh, how desperately I wanted to scream it out to the world…that I was being held captive by YOU. I wanted to tell people that I was overtaken–but you had me in chains and had tape overy my mouth. When you would let me tell my friends and other people about you—you filtered every word that came out of my mouth. The words were not mine…they were yours….and despite the fact that I desperately wanted my words to somhow comeout with yours…they never did. You words were so coniving and untrue.

“I have this problem. I do it because of  this. But I have it under control–it’s not a big deal at all. ”

I knew when those words came out of my mouth that it was a bunch of bull. ED, I hate you. I hate what you did to my body…I hate all the things you made me do. I hated your voice in my head that lead me to believe that all food was poison. I hate the fear you have instilled in me to gain a pound. I hate that you made me so vain.

If you were real…I would kill you—with one finger. That VERY SAME FINGER THAT YOU USED to MAKE ME STICK DOWN MY THROAT after every meal. I would kill you by putting 60 laxatives secretly in your drink—-the same ones you used to make me take when I had a voice lesson the next day.

I hate you for all the things you took away from me. You took from me some of the best relationships I have ever had—in my family, my friends….you took from me my time and my focus in school…you took from me my health that luckily I have restored….you took away my music….my voice…my precious voice….you took away everything that made me identifiable as the me I am today. But guess what ED!! I got all those things back—-you know why??? Because I finally had the courage to take the upper hand! I had the courage to kick you around in my head when I felt that you had to much control! I had the courage to start talking with MY WORDS that were TRUTH—not a bunch of bullshit lies. …..lies that were never true.

I hate the way you mad me feel inside…Numb….I hate that you made me believe that I Needed you…I didn’t need anything about you. I can’t believe I ever invited you into my life…and then followed you like some religion. I can’t believe how weak I must have been to let you take over my head and put a blindfold on me.

But I have ripped that blind fold off my eyes and can see clearly now….Now I can see how damn ugly you are. I can see how much you have beat me down and how much you have hurt me. I”m not going to let you linger around in my head. Im kicking you the hell out. I don’t want to put up with you anymore…and I want absoutely nothing to do with you. Don’t you dare come back…lurking around…and you WILL listen when I scream at you to leave. You and I—we are DONE!!!

I hate you and will always hate you. I will never forgive you for what you have done to me….for all the things you did to break me down…make me feel like shit about myself and make me feel like you were the only hope I had. You are such a low life, discusting pig…how I ever found any pleasure or desire to follow and believe in you, is beyond my comprehension. How can you be so insensitive? How can you possess others thoughts—with out one ounce of guilt?? How could you do that to me? And my God, how did I believe you??? Well I’m done. I will never trust you again. I know all of your games–I know all of your tricks…and I refuse to play them ever again. Go rot in hell.

with hatred and anger,

me.

 

 

A Battle Between The Voices. October 12, 2010

Filed under: Getting Help,Helping Others,Misunderstanding,Reflection — feelingthenhealing @ 8:41 am
“So you think you know me? You think you know who I am and what I am becoming? Well you’re thinking wrong. Because if you know all these significant and important things about me, then it would be considerable and reasonable to think that, I, the one who owns and controls my mind would know these things too.
But I don’t.
My mind is gone. Where it has gone on vacation this time, is beyond me. I’m not sure if it would be called vacation. Let me re-word that, my mind is currently in the state of running away from the reality and existence of itself. You see, because of my mind must I remember. Remember and relive those memories that have continued to shape me into the scared, traumatized little girl that I was and seem to always be. My mind refuses to let me grow. Therefore my mind continues to run away from me in order to make sure that my soul will never catch it.
So now that I have confused you, I shall continue on with my story. A story not too interesting…but will be told nonetheless.”
 
   These are the opening statements to the “book” that I wrote my senior year of high school. Those feelings could not be more apt to the feelings I am feeling right now. I feel like my mind has completely deserted me–like everything that was sane about it; just decided to leave and walk away. With no consideration of telling me where it was going or how long it would be gone.
How Rude!!
 
My life never really went wrong.
I just had a bump in the road; a big bump. It nearly broke my engine. And it took me a long while to take my engine into an Auto Shop to get it fixed. I didn’t want anyone to know that my engine was broken.
People never say what they mean, Like Grandparents for example. Let’s say your grandmother buys you this hideous sweater. When she says: “If you don’t like it you can always return it.”, she really means, “You better be wearin’ that thing next time I see you.”
Sometimes, your parents might say, “I’m going to the grocery store, do you want to come?” What they really mean is, “You’re going to the grocery store with me whether you like it or not.”
It’s peer pressure. I suppose they want to sound nice, but we’re not stupid. We know what they really mean.
At least, most of us do.
I’ve had plenty of experience with people who don’t say what they mean.
When I got sick, real sick, people would say…”I’m always here for you. You can always talk to me, no matter how stupid you think your feelings may sound.”…or my favorite…”Every time you have the urge to throw up-every time you go into the bathroom…pick up your cell phone and call me, I’ll talk you through it. I’ll do whatever it takes to get you through this.”…
Do you think they answered when I called?
They didn’t.
They say they know how I feel. They Don’t. These are MY feelings. Not theirs.
 
I feel so ridiculous lately. I never act on the thoughts that enter my head-but they are always arguing with each other. Like today, someone asked me if I was eating okay. (Which I am for the most part…but not really.)
 
I replied, “Yes, I’m doing fantastic! Things are wonderful! And it’s so nice to be back to my positive self.”
 
The second I replied the voices started arguing in my head….
 
What are you doing?
I’m lying.
Why? You never lie.
Because I have to make sure she doesn’t tell anyone I’m not doing fine.
She wouldn’t.
She could.
Why would she do that?
She could be concerned and think they need to know.
She wouldn’t do that without your permission.
“Wow, you’re brave.”, my friend responded, ” I’m not sure I could have gone through all that, and come out as happy as you are.”
I smirk.
She thinks I’m brave.
What does she know?
She doesn’t know anything.
Yes, she does.
At acknowledged, that I was sick at one point..
Yes, at least you told her. That was a good thing.
So now you agree with me?
Yes.
You never agree with me.
Just accept it before I change my mind.
Fine.
What the hell is wrong with me? I’m driving myself crazy. I’m happy. I don’t think I’m sad. I just always want to cry. Words that I want to say are always on the tip of my tongue…but somehow I never accomplish to get them out. I feel silenced. Hushed. Sworn to secrecy. I never promised anyone but myself that I wouldn’t say any thing…so why do I think it’s such a sin to tell someone what’s on my mind? Why I act the way I do? The people who do know…are no longer of any comfort to me. It’s almost as if they got bored with talking about the subject. They say they’re always there if I need to talk about it…but I feel guilty just bringing it up
.
“There are plenty of people around the world who pray for peace,
but if praying were enough, it would have come to be.”
 
 
So this world continues to go on without me.
I’m stuck in this place between comfort and peace.
I’m happy. Probably the happiest I have ever been. I’ve accomplished so much this year. I have stood up for myself. I fought the beast that levitates inside my gut…ripping at my ribs and stabbing the red tender muscle in my heart. The beast is now but a sense of confusion and emptiness that growls and scratches only when triggered by rigid emotions. I have finally told the truth. Finally have I been brave enough to no longer let the beast hold me captive.
I won’t lend my strength to that which I wish to be free from.

 

 
I was talking to my 12-year-old cousin the other
day, and I was telling her about my stress fractures in my shins and ankle
and how they happened a long time ago and shouldn’t be hurting me right
now…and she responded to my complaint with…

“It’s like a broken bone, it never really heals….but it starts to feel
better.”

Yes, she is smart. I’ve never doubted it. And there is no doubt that those
words were exactly what I needed to hear. Although, the words applied to
my life in a totally different way than she had meant it to…it rang a
bell in my head. So all this bad icky stuff…all this gross, horrible crap
that’s been painting over my mind…will never really heal….but it will
feel better and all of the pain will begin to go away. I have to give it
time…a broken bone may take 6 weeks to start to feel better…maybe this
just takes longer. 6 years maybe. It’s been about that long…everything
will start to feel better soon. My “bone” will be set back into place.
Everything that is broken inside of me is ready to be taken out of the
cast. I don’t need anything to hold all my broken pieces together
anymore…making sure they don’t move. But I still need to be careful. I
need to make sure I don’t hurt them again…because they are still
fragile.

Have you ever wondered what people see when they look into your eyes? I
wonder if they can see deep down inside, what kind of life you’ve had, if
they can determine if you’re happy or sad….if they can picture or see
all the tears you have ever cried…do they even care why you ever shed
those tears? Would they bother to ask? I wonder if they can see pain. If
pain has a certain identity in someone’s eyes. If it’s the same look in
all who have suffered. I wonder if they can see hunger in our eyes. Hunger
for love, friendship…or even real hunger….would they be willing to
feed us? And what about confusion? Even if it’s not obvious. Could they
see one’s confusion about life?? And would they be willing to help us get
unconfused…or are they just as confused as we are? I wonder if they
could see our uncertainty of who we are inside? Would they offer a hand in
trying to help us find ourselves?? I often wonder if these things…and
what people see or think when they look into my eyes. Do they see the Me I
want them to see? Or would they see the ME that’s hidden? The light that is trying to shine bright.

Maybe we don’t have to hide behind the fallacious shimmer in our eyes. We can
show people who we are…tell them our story…maybe then they’ll
understand…feel your pain…your joy…and your love.  Then we won’t feel so
alone…even though  I know I already have tons of amazing people around me who
love me and care. Then I won’t push people away, afraid of breaking
another bone or even the same one.

Maybe once we allow ourselves to feel better…we won’t feel the pain of all of
our “broken bones” ever again. :]

 
Keep climbing.
Keep growing.
Keep believing.
Keep the faith.
 
 

Learn To Feel October 8, 2010

Filed under: Getting Help,Helping Others,Joy,Misunderstanding,Reflection — feelingthenhealing @ 6:16 am

What is this world coming to?

Why do we all feel that we have to keep quiet about our feelings?

Today, I was having a discussion with one of my best friends about how she precieved me when I was sick and really struggling.

My friend expressed to me that all of last year she felt like she was being “played” and that I was broadcasting my sickness to the world to get attention.

Now, I love and respect my friend VERY much and am extremely thankful that she has stuck with me through everything.

However, attention was not my focus.

I wanted to be heard. I wanted someone to REACT to me, instead of sit there and tell me that what I was doing to myself was stupid.

I’m not stupid.

I’m not sure if I can justify starving myself, but in my head it seems logical.

And because it seems logical in my brain-I feel ashamed.

But why should I?

Since when is it a bad thing to have FEELINGS? When did the world decide that it was unforgivable to speak your mind…and pour your soul out to the world? Are we all just cowards? Too coward to let human beings, just like us, express anything that is not to our liking or anything that will not cause us joy?

We can’t let the world keep us quiet.

The heart of eating disorders or any sickness, is silence. Do you see anyone keeping quiet about cancer? It is definately not a bad thing to walk around and talk about having cancer or a friend who has cancer. So why is any other sickness different?

Today, I promise not to keep quiet. Today, I promise I will tell you what I feel. Even if what I feel is numb- because I haven’t eaten. I promise to give you nothing but my true voice.

When did the world decide that we were not allowed to feel any feelings that are unreconizable to us…that we can’t identify? I promise that under that stabbing hunger…there is your heart. And inside your heart are feelings, creations, longings and dreams, that are beyond our vocabulary to put words to them…because those words have not yet been created. Perhaps, because your feelings are unique to you, and have never been felt by anyone else. And because they haven’t been felt by anyone else…the feelings are scary to others and must not be spoken of. But they must be felt.

Oh yes, they must be felt. We can only hide behind hunger for so long. We can only starve until our true self has been starved away into neverland…and we are overtaken by ED, and we die.

I don’t mean to sound morbid. But my God, we have to find some purpose to live, people! And when I say “Live”, I don’t mean by walking and breathing. I mean TRULY living.

If we are wrapped up, crumbled and turned into ourselves, because we think our feelings are not worth sharing, or fighting for…we are not living.

We were given struggles and hurt for a reason. So we could LEARN, and Share and Teach others. We were not meant to suffer alone. You do NOT have to do anything alone. Nothing.

So as I promised:

Today I am struggling.

I am hoping and praying.

I’m sick of people asking me if I’m okay..and when I tell them “I’m fine”…they pry until I break down in tears.

The truth is: I am okay.

A wise friend told me today:

“Be patient with those who don’t think you have changed. It takes a while for people to get used to you different then how they knew before. Some will try to break you. Some will try to regain power over you…and will have a hard time coming to terms that YOU are now in charge of your life and happiness, and don’t rely on others for that happiness. Be patient with those who hurt you. They will come around, and if they don’t…they’re not good enough to walk in your presence of happiness, joy and laughter. And they are definately not worthy of recieving your light that you share with the world.”

 

The Struggle October 5, 2010

Filed under: Getting Help,Helping Others,Joy,Misunderstanding,Reflection — feelingthenhealing @ 4:00 pm

Perhaps we are never supposed to truly understand what we are feeling.

Perhaps, my brain will always be a little off.

I feel like I’m flying right now…or falling…like I just always have this knot in my stomach, never sure where I’m going to land.

I could tell you that I’ve been struggling…but what good it do to make everyone worry,

about a girl who everyone thinks is doing so fabulous now.

Perhaps…these thoughts will never really go away. Maybe I just get better at pretending they are no longer here and pretending that I’m okay.

Perhaps…I am more captive than I thought and I am learning how to become more deceptive.

This is not good.

I don’t want this.

But I don’t know how to turn it around.

Heavenly Father….please let me feel your arms around me tight. I want so much to be able to just lie into someone’s arms…and cry and be comforted, and be told that I’m going to be okay. That the world is going to be okay. Maybe we won’t all go under.

Perhaps there is hope that all of us can still hold our heads up above the water.

The leaves are starting to fall here. The leaves always remind me of myself. They are so beautiful. All different colors….but they all go unnoticed…they are all trampled on…and ripped to pieces. I am breaking. Like the leaves that crunch beneath my feet as I walk to class each day.

Something inside me is keeping me from completely letting go of my sanity.

I”m not sure what it is.

Perhaps, the fear of disappointing those that believe I’m all better.

Maybe, the determination and my perception that I have gathered from my friends, that I am not allowed to be sick anymore, nor to talk about it when I am struggling. The subject has retired.

It’s not like I want to blab to the world that I still think of sticking my fingers down my throat….that I still count calories in my head with out thinking about it…and that I still like the empty feeling I get when I haven’t eaten in a long time…and sometimes I wish I could keep starving. It was so much easier to never cry…because I had numbed myself to the world. It is so much easier to NOT feel.

But we have to…that’s what the logical side of my brain says. “Throwing up will do you absolutely no good…Stop thinking about it .”

I still haven’t mastered these voices in my head. I’m not even entirely sure exactly how to control them. I want them to leave…but then who would be left? I don’t think it’s normal to have to inexorable voices arguing in my head. But If I kick them both out…I suppose the only thing that would be left would be silence. Silence would be nice.